Just for Youth...
Four Ways to Patch Up Trust
After you goof and your parents lecture or
punish you, there is something that you still need to do. You have to find
ways of rebuilding their confidence in you. It's not that you have to do
any one big thing; it's the little things that count.
Act, don't talk
You could start by doing extra things to
help your parents out. I know you'll moan and groan when I say this, but
housework is a good place to start. Trust me, cleaning bathrooms is
about my least-favorite thing to do. But when I voluntarily clean the
bathroom-or if I simply don't complain and do it cheerfully when Mom
asks-I think I really endear myself to her. Just making my bed in the
morning is appreciated, or cleaning up after a meal. She feels it is a
step toward being more responsible-one of my parents' favorite
vocabulary words.
Be open and honest
While you are doing the little things,
don't forget big ones like honesty and being open. Most of us will
probably never be able to share every detail of our lives with our
parents. And, yes, sometimes we might even lie. We're only human. But we
have to be super careful while trust is being built. Mom and Dad will be
watching closely. If they think you are being dishonest with them in
some way, it's not going to help.
My advice is to talk to them,
using full sentences instead of one-word monotones. And don't try
sneaking around behind their backs. If you don't know what to say, talk
about your friends, love life (if you dare), school or why a movie or
song is your favorite. They'll appreciate it. After a problem, I
sometimes want to withdraw. But doing something with them can also be a
good way to open up communication.
Share values
Your parents have a value system of what's
right and wrong. A good value system includes the Ten Commandments, but
it doesn't have to stop there. No drugs, no sex before marriage, no
gambling and always putting God first are probably important values to
your parents. Most likely they've been trying to instill these values in
you.
But parents can't know if their values are your values
unless you tell them. If you have never told them what's important to
you yet, try it. I didn't realize this until I was talking to my mom one
day and she was asking me these weird questions like, "So how do you
feel about sex before marriage?" and "Would you ever do drugs?"
I
was really surprised she asked. Didn't she know how I felt on those
issues? It turns out she just needed reassurance because she was afraid
my views might have changed over time. It will make your parents feel
you are a lot safer if they know you are committed to doing the right
thing. If you've decided to turn over a new leaf, don't keep it to
yourself. Tell your parents and ask for help.
Prove yourself
Building trust is often a slow process. As
it builds up, you will need a chance to prove that you can handle
yourself better now. For example, I was allowed to sleep over at
friends' homes later, and I never tried to bite another water bed again.
Show your parents you learned your lesson. A lot of times we'll beg them
to give us just one more chance. But building trust requires that we
determine not to make the same mistake again. As our folks let out more
and more rope, we don't want to hang ourselves with it. That would put
us back to square one.
I don't think anyone can have a perfect
relationship with his or her mom and dad. Probably all of us have broken
trust or made our parents worry at some time.
Like I said, it may
take some time to rebuild trust. But, once you establish an open and
honest relationship, improve communication skills and show by your
actions that you are trustworthy, your parents will feel closer to you
and you might even get more trust (and freedom!) than
before.
Rebuilding trust doesn't happen overnight. But it can
happen! GN
-- Sarah Swenson |
